Music.

Music,
Like love and lust, has roots in the soul.
You drive me mad with your A notes,
Making me wild like a staff with no lines.
Kisses placed randomly on paper as notes turn into high screams and low moans.

Love,
Like anger flows through my veins and burns me,
So does the fire produced by every key you hit.
Taking me higher into a world where there is no dissonance,
And every sound, from every voice, melts into one word:

Lust,
Dances to the sound produced as sweat drips tenderly off your skin.
Hands roaming gently; our hearts the bass, beat, and background.
Hit that note for me, touch me where everything makes sense and I become the star in your opera show. Make me the soprano you know I am While my:

Soul,
Is Infatuated and drowning in your:

Music.


= anonymous =

And the Winner Is...

I've been trying to make my decision over whether to stay a music major or switch to photography whenever i transfer. Music is more impacted and much more competitive.. i dont do well with the personal drama that goes with it.. and after i got the degree wouldnt want a career in it anyways. i enjoy singing.. and would LOVE to perform in some productions.. but teaching.. piano playing.,. directing.. just not my thing.

I dont want to disappoint people by making the switch, but I'm coming to realize that this is my life and i have to be the one to take charge of it.

I WANT TO TAKE PICTURES.

That is the one thing that excites me as much as a good piece of music.. it is the one thing that i will bend over backwards to do for people because i always enjoy it. A music performance is a 50/50 chance of coming out alright and being enjoyable. A good shoot with some photogenic people is always satisfying.. you work your own hours.. you take your own jobs.. and youre considered classy. Not a beggar.

I dont see myself on the stage.. i dont see myself with a choir.. i dont see myself with a classroom full of troubled kids. I see myself taking jobs.. taking photographs.. working one on one with people.. editing pictures into the wee hours of the night.. getting prints and making MORE money than a musician with less effort and much MUCH more comfortably.

I think I've just sold myself...

Photography it is :)

The Language of Love, Part 1

Over the last few months Ive been noticing specific ways people behave when around a member of the opposite sex that they're interested in. Patterns of behavior vary from person to person, but there are a few that are universal. Especially when it comes to flirting. So boys, listen up. Here are the secrets of the female race.

How to Know If She's Flirting...

- She'll get loud. Even if she's talking to a group of her friends, if she notices that youre around, her voice is gonna raise a little in volume. She'll laugh louder than anyone. It's our way of getting your attention, showing you that we're interesting.. the life of the party.. and someone that you WANT to get to know better.

-She'll make you come to her. When we see you come around, only the desperate ones will come straight to you. For the most part, we make lots of noise to make you come to us. We want to be admired, wanted and chased. ;)

-She'll say goodbye to you last. When saying goodbye to a group of friends and giving lots of hugs, she will always hug you last. It's a way of attempting to not make our feelings obvious and to seem like we really do want to hug everyone else (even though we dont, we just want to get to you). That last hug we get from you is the one that we want to walk away still feeling.

-She'll laugh at anything. It doesnt matter if its a knock knock or blonde joke, she will laugh. It shows that she's accepting you and wants you to know she's your biggest fan.

-She doesnt let go right away. If youre hugging her, or shaking her hand, time slows down for her (if shes in love), and she's going to hang on as long as she can, just to feel close to you. If she's a whore, its just so youll feel the sensual vibes she's trying to send out to you and make you want more of her.

-She eye-fucks you. We want you to get lost in our eyes, so we're gonna make eye contact with you as much as possible. Laughing, talking, whatever... it shows that we're totally interested in everything youre doing and saying.

More to come later... much MUCH more... consider this my lil Dr Laura/Sex and the City blog...

Learn from it.

My favorite things

the song says when bad things happen, think of your favorite things. right now, im dealing with an unreasonable family, am about to fly out of state for a week and just want to be able to say goodbye in private to the man im in love with and am already missing like crazy. so here we go.

i like gerber daisies and yellow roses.

i like dancing in the rain.

i like looking at names on boats.

i like the burn of hot water on my skin.

i like the feeling of sticking your hand in a bowl of raw beans.

i like the smell of bonfires.

i like the way the world looks through a lens.

i like to make love on the floor.

i like to be kissed on the forehead and neck.

i like to laugh until i hurt.

i like the sound of coffee being made.

i like to listen to people speaking in french.

i like afrikaan music.

i like to see old couples still in love.

i like the sound of car engines.

i like when leaves fall off trees.

i like all the pink blossoms on cherry trees.

i like when cooking flour gets on your face.

i like car grease on hands.

i like a hot shower after a good workout.

i like drum solos.

i like hearing and telling stories.

i like going out with wet hair.

i like the black horse contenders.

i like looking at old pictures.

i like the smell of libraries.

i like how eyes sparkle after crying.

i like rainbow sherbet.

i like thunderstorms and the wind that comes right before it.

i like tin roofs.

i like open fields and tall yellow grass.

i like weeping willow trees and spanish moss.

theres so much more but right now i have nothing... it distracts you, but doesnt make hurt go away. pity.

i have trust issues.

the old Dr. House saying, "everybody lies" is definitely and ironically true. the two ugly things i have learned about people is that 1. everyone lies. and 2. everyone has baggage. some more than others, and some deal with it better than others, but there it is.

first off. LIES. everyone has different motives for saying something thats not true and then some people are just compulsive liars and have no reason. there is no such thing as a "little white lie". if its not true, its not true. doesnt mean one has to make drama about it, but it definitely takes away from the credibility of everything else you say - whether it really is true or not. ever since we've been babies, weve been trained to believe that lies are so very wrong and to never ever tell them. then as soon as we get caught in something we dont wanna be in, thats the first thing that comes out of our mouth. we think that it gets us out of the trouble we're in at that moment, but it only builds up to something incredibly bad and hurtful to the people around us the longer we engage in that behavior.
now ive been in so many relationships where ive been lied to. every single one of them theres been something substantial that was not true that ended up devastating the relationship. lies never ever lead to something good. even when said in revenge... why would you want to say something thats not true - that you know is gonna hurt like hell - to the person you hold higher than anyone else in the world? it doesnt make sense to me. so much trust is lost. granted, true love covers a multitude of sins. because i love you, i forgive you for lying to me. but as a friend... had it been from anyone else, theyd be gone. long gone.

now for BAGGAGE.
everyone has it. but we're the ones who choose - who make the conscious choice - to let it affect the people around us, and in some cases, our own sanity. the easiest thing is just to say "GET OVER IT ALREADY". easier said than done right? thats where we have to make the willfull decision not to let it bother us so much. you decide and make yourself get over it. no matter how bad it hurts you... if you hang onto it, it will only poison you from the inside out. not only does it hurt you, it also hurts the people around you who care so much about you. im not downplaying any hurts anyone has because yeah, i have em too. in spades. but the worst possible thing someone can do is bring baggage into another relationship and expect them to heal you. it doesnt work that way and its a HUGE responibility being put on your new partner. thats not fair. and taking the aggressiveness thats built up from former hurts - taking it out on your new partner is another huge faux-pas that is in no way okay. if that person really and truly loves you, theyll be willing to help you get over it just so you are happy. now if theyre willing to make you happy, but youre not willing to help yourself, thats heartbreaking to the person youre with. im not saying get over everything right now - immediately - but dont think youre the only person on the planet whos hurting.

a smorgus board of pithy emotions

Right now, i am a complete whirlwind of emotion. You name a single feeling, and i'm probably feeling it right now. I can go on about it in detail here because, lets face it, who actually reads these things anyways? (if you do, leave me some love!)
So, i'm hungry. ive barely eaten anything all day which will hopefully be remedied soon.
I'm stressed because of all the things i need to do and be doing to get ready for school, transferring, all that jazz.
I feel silly about admitting it, but Jillian the Bachelorette did make the right choice by picking a man who was in it for the long haul. not a perpetual boyfriend, or a boy pretending to be a man.
I feel challenged and stimulated by listening to Dr. Laura.. she gives me the confidence in what advice i give out because its the same things she says to her patients. I think itd be awesome to have my own radio show... imagine it.. "hello, this is dr. becca on KFI, more stimulating talk radio..."
I'm frustrated with the family. drew - you dont have to pick on me to feel close to me. mom - stop manipulating dad and get your head out of the friggin sand! dad - stop letting mom use you to get what she wants. its not working. grow a spine and be the man weve always wanted you to be! both of you - get into the 21st century! this isnt the boonies in the 50s anymore...
I'm in love with the most wonderful person in the world but am sad right now because i dont know whats going on in his head. i almost feel like hes not telling me as much of whats going on anymore... im not anal about knowing everything, but its not him. what are you doing? "nothing". what are you thinking about? "nothing". what are you gonna do? "nothing". What are they saying? "hmm?" what are you laughing at? "hmm? oh. nothing." whats wrong? "its nothing" ... i trust him, but i dont know why its bothering me so much lately. maybe im the one thats too clingy.. to attatched for my own good. i know that id never have it any other way though... things have been so good and i want them to stay that way. he's fighting this war inside his head.. i want to help but i know that i can only do so much. then there are days like today where im not feeling too fantastic. things here at home arent exactly making me super giddy and i always run to him because i know that thats my escape. he is my oasis from all of this chaos. thats when i feel most unlovable.. and need to know that i am indeed loved.. being left in the lurch wondering what the hell i did wrong isnt the greatest of feelings. now if youre not feeling well, or somethings going on, i can handle it and try to make it better. if i said something wrong, i'll own up to it. if its not about me at all, i'll just love on you and try to make you talk it out and feel better. you can always go and then come back to me. i want to always be the girl he's fallen in love with. i want to be the one he runs to and i want to be the only one he dreams about. i believe that i am... and little things like this shouldnt bother so much. so there. its out. i am finished. i am not upset anymore and simply want him to feel better. my feelings aside... i am in love with him and wouldnt change a single thing about him for the world. hes everything ive got... and i would give him a kidney if he needed one. i just want to love on him.. and always be happy for him.. and never give him reason to doubt any of it. i dont feel that i have... and its going to stay that way. he knows i love him... its just the battle being waged inside of him that keeps taking him away from me... but i know he'll come back... because he loves me... i miss him..
i wasnt intending to go on and blog on and on about that but eh, its out. im still bored as hell and all this mental chaos has to go somewhere!

Here come the brides

I just got back from a wedding that was absolutely gorgeous... i love weddings. always have. always enjoyed going to them, but never had the entire idea of what i wanted at mine worked out like my friends did. I never cared for lace and ribbons and diamonds... but now that im older and am watching my friends one by one make that long walk down that aisle, it feels a little different. I am filled with so much joy for them... they are truly in love and are ready for this huge moment in their life. everyone isnt like that... im not.. yes, i want to get married. preferably sooner than 30, but i'm not one to demand things like that right now. I want to live.. to travel.. to have a stable career set up.. money coming in and going towards a home - one that i can make with someone.
When it comes down to it, most girls just want a wedding. not a marriage. i hate to break it to you ladies, but you cant have one without the other. it takes an enormous amount of commitment, energy, time, funds, strength, compassion, trust, honesty and perseverance to make a marriage work. A lot of people rush into it because of unbrideled passion thinking that getting married is the ultimate - the very last thing that can be done that will make everyone's problems go away and make life undeniably perfect. That mindset isnt just wrong, its dangerous! Youre just setting yourself up for a world of hurt - both to you, and to the person youre claiming to be unconditionally in love with.
Honestly, i cant wait for the day i become a wife... to look down at that left hand and see a gift that means i belong to him no matter what. that he loves me and will always protect and provide for me... and i will always listen to, encourage, and lift him up... no matter what is thrown at us, we will never doubt whether or not we'll be together, sharing the same bed, the same air, the same skin.. that we have chosen eachother as a lifemate and companion... a best friend.
I never planned out exactly what i want whenever he asks me.. but what i do know, is that the only thing i want to see is his face looking back at me with that look of awe and love... seeing nothing but his eyes as i step closer and closer...

When words run out... write.

i never intended for a blog to be therapy. but in some strange way, i think it can be. I wont use it to vent out everything i need to say... or swear out people i know who arent reading. but i dont know what to say right now... i ask questions about things i dont really want to know, but if it helps, i'll do whatever it takes. and just because i say LOL doesnt mean im laughing in real life. it means im playing it off and tryin to make light of a conversation that really is painful to think about. im not drowning in self pity over here because he brought up the past... which i make myself feel guilty about and it really doesnt even matter anyways... i dont pity myself. i beat myself up over it. i make myself feel guilty because i wasnt emotionally ready when he was. i beat myself up that i wasnt good enough for him to run to me first. i dont believe in myself and have to choke back tears in front of a classroom when the instructor says im not sure if i like my voice. i laying my soul out on the line here... in every way... and im just hoping and praying that everything will be ok. i trust him. i know he wont hurt me. and i am so in love with him. the only thing that i ever want from him is just to love me.. to love ON me.. and no matter how quiet i am... no matter how angry or frustrated or sad or giddy i am.. to just show me that i am loved. in words.. in action.. whatever can be done. thats what i need more than anything. i dont react well to scolding.. i shut down. im working on being more of the "big dog", but its a process that i havent been used to for the past 21 years. its gonna take me a while.. as much as i want to be strong as hell now, and i have come a ways, im still working on it. be patient with me. i just need love and kind words. i want to be the constantly happy bright lil girl he fell for.. but i feel like ive tasted death and i will never be her again. he makes me feel alive again... and i will NOT lose him. as much as it hurts to hear about the past... it happened. theres no going back. hearing the things that will help is good... maybe they shouldnt hurt as much as they do... maybe i shouldnt be as sensitive... im so tired of asking "maybe i should...". its time to start asking more questions that matter and that will help him feel relieved. i am strong. i am courageous. and i can stand on my own two feet and throw things if i need to. i will scream, not cry. and i will smile and hold my head high and tell the world to fuck off because i am loved.

Can't Take My Eyes Off you

i know that the bridges ive burned along the way
have left me with these walls and these scars that wont go away
and opening up has always been the hardest thing, until you came

so lay here beside me, just hold me and dont let go.
this feelin im feelin is something ive never known
and i just cant take my eyes off you
and i just cant take my eyes off you

i love when you tell me that im pretty when i just wake up
and i love how you tease me when im moody but its never too much
im falling fast but the truth is im not scared at all, you climb my walls

so lay here beside me, just hold me and dont let go
this feelin im feelin is something ive never known
and i just cant take my eyes off you
and i just cant take my eyes off you

- Lady Antebellum

Love.

what does it mean to love? like to really and truly be in love?
we have puppy dog crushes, and then lust... casual dating and then commitment. but i dont think any one person fully understands the scope of just how deep love can be. when i am in my man's arms i get a taste of it each time. thats the one place i can call home just because anything thats on my mind.. anything thats bothering me.. anything that i cant put into words.. it is put to rest when im in that place. all i feel is him. him loving me. him choosing me. and him wanting me. the depth of emotion when im in that presence just puts me to silence and i have no words... just peace. almost a holiness between the nonexistent space between us. one body. one breath. one spirit.
love isnt just all happy feelings.. it comes naturally but must be worked on..
love is patient and kind, but i do believe that love fears losing as well. It trusts, but it fears the person leaving... as i step back and let my insecurities go, slowly, the easier joy comes to both of us. and this is what its all about. give and take on BOTH sides. its labor intensive.. but when you find that one person who makes everything worth while, you find yourself regretting ever wasting the time its taken to get to them, but so thankful for the journey there.
love is a day to day work of art. every stroke counts on its canvas as well as every mis-stroke. some can be wiped away and some cant. some can be covered up, but we know the unwanted black spot is still there, just waiting to show up in this painting. but, if we play it right... and learn to love.. and learn to think of others just as much as ourselves... we will have the most beautiful masterpiece of all. true love.

I wish I could cook.

To be able to cook is a frightfully useful thing... some people just come to it naturally, and then there are people like me who have difficulty not burning water. I love to bake things... I am still trying to master the art of cookies, but I can make a mean snickerdoodle. I can make macaroni and cheese, spaghetti, ravioli, salad, pizza, gravy, but my specialty is chex mix. Its a pity we only make it around Christmastime...
I really want to be able to master the kitchen without calling the fire department... I want to have dinner waiting for my husband (whenever i get one) when he comes home tired from work... I dont want to be the next Julia Child, but I think the time has come to have some creativity and fearless imagination in the kitchen... and yes, please have 911 on standby.